Supporting Your Teenager’s Spirituality: Advise for Parents
By Elyse Allen M.F.T.

Your teenager has a number of important "tasks" to tend to and I don't mean the household chores. Chances are that your adolescent son or daughter is expressing an emerging personality that is probably very different from your own. The teen years are a time of searching out one's unique identity as well as forming bonds with those who share a common identification. For example, your teen probably thinks of his or her purple hair as a unique means of self-expression. At the same time, your teen hangs out with friends who also sport rainbow-dyed hair and similar garb. You may see this as a contradiction but your teen doesn't. It's just a natural part of finding oneself and one's place in the larger context of a social group.

During this search for identity, your teen may also explore identity within the areas of religion or spirituality. Remember that your adolescent is figuring out who they really are and how that differs from whom they think mom and dad is. Your teen may suddenly become very interested and active in the family's religious affiliation, if your family has one. Some young people adopt an involvement in religious or spiritual interest that far surpasses that of other family members. It's also equally as common for young people to reject their parents' religious affiliation in favor of another affiliation or none at all. Depending on spiritual values, any one of these scenarios could be quite distressing to the parents of an identity seeking teen.

Here are several points to consider, when confronted with a potentially distressing aspect of your teen's religious affiliation or spiritual path. Keep your cool and keep the following points in mind:

1. Your spiritual and religious values largely color your perception of your child's spiritual orientation. Be willing to honestly and humbly examine your own beliefs in regards to matters of religion and spirituality. Are you willing to admit to yourself that you may routinely under-value or over-value certain aspects of spirituality? Are you attempting to force your values on your teen, in ways that could short-circuit your youngster's search for a comfortable level of religious participation or non-participation?

Try to trace your beliefs back to their point of origin and the significant events, people and so on that influenced the development of your beliefs. How has your teenager's exposure to diverse people and philosophies different than your exposure at a young age? Time spent in personal contemplation of these and other questions will help you sort out the core beliefs that belie many of your values.

2. Make sure you establish and maintain an open channel of communication with your teen. Be sure to make time for your teen and allow discussions about spirituality and other topics to arise naturally and casually. Taking time to watch television with your child is an excellent stimulus for discussions that will arise spontaneously out of your viewing. Remember to let your teen do most of the talking, while you do most of the listening. Avoid questions that interrogate or that somehow imply your disapproval of your teen or their choices. Your goal is to understand where your teen is coming from, what he or she is thinking and lovingly stand ready to lend a supportive arm as needed.

It's never too late to make sincere efforts toward opening up the communication between you and your adolescent. Good communication skills are like most skills in that they are acquired and improve with use. If there is a history of poor communication or family dysfunction, a family therapist could be of assistance in helping to heal the communication gap.

3. Don't be confused by your youngster's need for family closeness at times and desire for separateness at other times. Your child is trying to find the balancing point between individuality and group membership. This is probably a confusing time for your teen as well. He or she may choose to spend time with the family when feeling the need for familiarity, unconditional love and acceptance and push the family away when wanting more independence or individuality.
   
   
4. If your teenager has embraced a religion or spiritual path that substantially differs from your own, use this opportunity as a learning experience. Try to find out as much about your teenager's affiliation or spiritual orientation as possible. Again, ask questions but don't interrogate. Listen and learn. Observe and allow yourself to learn. Virtually all religions and spiritual paths have many positive lessons about life and love to teach us.

Attend gatherings and be willing to experience a new spiritual practice. For example, if your teenager has embraced a spiritual path that utilizes chants as a form of meditative prayer, allow your teen to share these chants with you. At first, practices such as chanting may seem strange or cultic to you. Knowledge is a wonderful antidote for fear. It's up to you to express a sincere desire to understand your teenager's spirituality. Although your child's choice may not be your cup of religious tea, you can unconditionally embrace the joy and beauty that is your child.

5. If you believe that your teenager is involved in a religion or spiritual group that may cause psychological or physical harm to your youngster, you must take direct and wise action. The first step is to make sure you have all of the facts. Remember that perception and the way we view a given situation is highly subjective. Check out your suspicions or observations with others who come in contact with your child. Signs such as depression, excessive isolation, obsession with death, self-mutilation (i.e., cutting, slicing or burning oneself), violence toward people or animals, use of alcohol or drugs, paranoia or loss of contact with reality are serious warning signs that your teenager requires immediate professional intervention.

Enlist the help of a counselor or psychotherapist who specializes in working with young people and their families. If this therapist has expertise in psychospirituality, that's even better. Time is of the essence. Ask the therapist you select to help you arrange for crisis intervention and help in securing the necessary mental health and medical services that your teenager will require. You don't have to have your young person's cooperation in initiating crisis intervention and it's likely that you won't have their cooperation for some time. Still, as a loving parent, you must act to insure the safety of your child as well as the safety of others.

I recommend that you visit your favorite bookstore and check out the books in the parenting section. Magazines geared toward teens can give you a glimpse into the issues, trends and influences that matter to today's teens. Join a parent's discussion or support group. There, you will meet parents with challenges much like your own and those who have successfully come through these challenging years with their teen. Above all, keep a positive and open attitude and always come from a heart-place of sincerity, love and compassion. In this way, you support your teen as well as yourself.

Elyse Allen is a licensed marriage and family therapist. She maintains a private practice in Sacramento, California and is available for private consultation. Contact Elyse at (916) 349?8783 or access her website sacramentotherapy.com for more information.

Elyse Allen M.F.T.
P.O. Box 1781
Carmichael CA 95609-1781
Telephone: (916) 349-8783
Fax: (916) 349-8788